By Ron Clyde, Director of Special Projects

There I was, a recent college graduate on his first business trip – a rite of passage. I gazed out the airplane window at the vast American landscape, a sense of possibility hanging in the air. But as the plane descended toward Los Angeles, I was reminded of a harsh reality of the ’80s. A thick, orange-brown smog blanketed the city, and airplanes vanished into the haze, swallowed by a problem many chose to ignore.

Many funeral professionals operate in a similar state. Conflict, a pervasive but often unacknowledged reality, hangs heavy in the air – a constant, low-grade smog that erodes workplace morale, spills over into personal lives, and ultimately diminishes your ability to serve those in their most vulnerable moments.

Just as ignoring the Los Angeles smog wouldn’t make it disappear, pretending conflict doesn’t exist only allows it to fester.

Funeral homes must recognize this truth. Conflict resolution skills are not a luxury, but a necessity. Training and open communication are critical tools to navigate these inevitable challenges.

In this guide, you’ll begin to understand the “smog” of conflict, identify warning signs, and learn strategies for de-escalation. By acknowledging conflict, you can create a healthier, more productive work environment, ultimately allowing you to better serve the families who entrust you with their final goodbyes.

Sources of Conflict

To recognize the “smog” of conflict, you need to identify the numerous sources of conflict within the funeral home.

The arrangement room can be a bellowing smokestack of conflict as people are brought together for perhaps the worst day of their lives. Families that have close relationships can still have great disagreements; blended families have a greater challenge as dynamics may include grudges and differing expectations. Throw in a fractured funeral consumer population, each segment with widely diverging views, values, and expectations. Now throw in different cultures, different income levels, different grieving processes, different everything.

Aside from the extraordinary presence of conflict in the arrangement room, you may also find conflict among employees. Suddenly, you have all the ingredients of a toxic environment polluted by the “smog” of conflict.

Stages of Conflict

There is a predictable spectrum where increased conflict increases the damage of that conflict and the difficulty of resolution. Those levels of conflict have a great impact on the funeral director’s response and next step. It is important to recognize each level of conflict. Most scholarly research breaks levels of conflict into three categories:

– Disagreement
– Conflict
– Dispute

One of the stages of conflict is called “conflict.” This is a known ambiguity, so just understand that there is the topic of conflict, and one of its stages is conflict.

Disagreement is actually the good phase of conflict. A popular saying found in the Bible is, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” (Psalm 27:17) Often disagreement, if managed properly, promotes cooperative problem solving and creative expressions of love and remembrance. Families should be encouraged to improve final funeral arrangements by giving a voice to all present and to establish rules of conduct that prevent interruptions and explosive reactions. It is the role of the funeral director to monitor the conversation in the room and provide an environment of collaboration.

Conflicts are disagreements that escalate. A conflict is often characterized by:

– Increased inflexibility
– Increased involvement of third parties
– Strong emotions
– Competing interests

When the stage of escalation reaches the “Conflict” level, you must pay careful attention by noticing rising tension in the room. The funeral director should move to action to calm the parties and realign the conversation to the matter at hand. There are several approaches to de-escalating a conflict, which I’ll touch on later.

Disputes happen when the conflict continues to escalate, and the situation becomes precarious. Disputes can precede unreconcilable differences. They’re characterized by:

– Threats and ultimatums
– Walking away from the table of discussion
– Use of legal or formal resources and processes

Disputes are dangerous, and once you’re on the dispute train, it’s hard to get off. The funeral directors must be ready to bring in third-party, non-partisan help should the conflict escalate into dispute.

Though there are many sources of conflict at varying stages, there are also ways to de-escalate situations and have healthier interactions.

Three Tips for De-Escalation

Disagreements are bound to occur. They arise in families, workplaces, and even on airplanes, taxiing to a halt. But how you handle those disagreements is what truly matters. Here are a few tips for de-escalation of a conflict.

Step away from the conflict

Stepping away from a heated discussion to cool down isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of maturity. Taking a break allows everyone involved to regroup and regain their composure. This brief respite helps to prevent further escalation and creates space for a more productive conversation later.

Return ready to listen

When you resume the conversation, active listening is essential. This means truly hearing what the other person is saying, rather than waiting for your turn to talk. Try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective, even if you disagree. By seeking to understand rather than demanding to be understood, you open the door to finding common ground.

Work toward a solution

Conflict resolution isn’t about assigning blame or winning an argument. It’s about finding a solution that works for everyone involved. Sometimes, that means compromise. Other times, it requires collaboration to forge a new path forward.

By following these steps, you can transform conflict from a source of tension into an opportunity for growth and understanding.

The Silent Killer: Unresolved Conflict

For funeral professionals, navigating the complexities of grief is a daily reality. Yet, a different kind of emotional fog can settle within the walls of a funeral home – the suffocating haze of unresolved conflict. Often, a misguided sense of decorum leads to a learned behavior of ignoring disagreements, employing social niceties to shroud the “elephant in the room.” This approach, however, is not merely ineffective; it’s demonstrably harmful.

Conflict avoidance doesn’t make problems vanish; it simply postpones them. Unresolved issues fester, poisoning not only the immediate situation, like an arrangement conference, but also the relationships within the funeral home. It erodes trust and respect between colleagues, creating a toxic work environment. Worse, the emotional toll can permeate personal lives, impacting the well-being of both staff and their families. This “smog” of conflict, left unchecked, can permeate the entire professional life of a funeral director, casting a long shadow over their ability to serve grieving families.

The path forward is clear. Funeral homes must move past the fallacy of conflict avoidance. Open communication and a commitment to finding solutions are essential for fostering a healthy and productive work environment. By acknowledging the presence of conflict, you can use it as a catalyst for positive change.

Choosing to Navigate the Conflict Roundabout

To reiterate, the “smog” of conflict in the funeral home is inevitable. How you deal with conflict makes all the difference.

Just as a driver wouldn’t expect to navigate a roundabout by simply closing their eyes and hoping they exit unscathed, you must approach conflict with intentionality. Understanding the stages of conflict, employing de-escalation techniques, and fostering open communication are the tools that equip you to navigate the “conflict roundabout” effectively.

The Conflict Roundabout:

The allure of avoidance may be strong, particularly in the emotionally charged world of funeral service. Yet, the illustration is clear: avoidance is no escape from the roundabout. Ignoring a disagreement allows it to sour and spoil, poisoning the work environment and hindering your ability to serve grieving families. By choosing to navigate the conflict constructively, you can transform a potential source of tension into an opportunity for growth and understanding.

Ultimately, a commitment to healthy conflict resolution strengthens the bonds within the funeral home, allowing you to better serve yourself, your colleagues, and those entrusted to your care. Let us not fear the roundabout; let us learn to navigate it with skill and grace.

Explore more self-improvement resources for funeral professionals:

• Emotional Intelligence: The Key to Managing Stress and Burnout
• Improving Staff Morale with a Positive Workplace Culture
• How to Be a Leader Worth Following

*Originally published in the August-September 2024 edition of the Memento Mori, a publication of the International Cemetery, Cremation & Funeral Association (ICCFA).